ุจِุณْู
ِ ุงِููู ุงูุฑَّุญْู
ِٰู ุงูุฑَّุญِْูู
ِ
At first nak letak title "Don't want to die, don't want
to live neither?"
Tapi rasa macam over sangat.๐
I have a lot of thoughts that I
carried in my mind.
I felt totally burden by it.
I'm pouring it out here, hoping
it can be lessen.
Trapped? ๐
Maybe due to covid that I can't go nowhere.
To find my
escapism.
Or because I'm back to my hometown, no friends to share my feeling.
(Alhamdulillah ada Yai and AA kat BP, walau jarang jumpa)
Well, to be honest
since I back to BP I have lead a monotonous life here.
No sparks, no
postive vibes or spirits, no joyment.
Stagnant some might say.
I somehow totally
lost the track of my journey to have a life with no regrets.
My mind is so
messed up. ๐ฃ
I don't have anything to look forward to.
I lost my highly-spirited
person I once was.
Alright, that's the bad of me. Bad thoughts.
My real current
feelings.
I'm struggling with my own feelings. ๐๐ฃ
Because on the other side.
I
know, I always know there are plenty of things that I shoud be grateful for.
Be
that our world it this covid situation.
So many people lost their job and
income, far from family.
See what I got, I'm living with my mom, I got job,
monthly salary, home, car and a lot more.
I'm grateful for what I have but sadly
it can't make me happy.
Does it mean I'm not grateful enough or maybe that what
people around my age felt?
Sometimes I blame myself, maybe I'm not a good
servant to Allah, that's why my life it like this. (praying late, not reciting
Quran everyday)
I don't know,
I trapped with my own feelings.
When I look back
at my previous blog post, my 20's me
I think I didn't make any progress.
Still a
lost girl from the past.
Trapped and never freed yet.
After Abah and Wadiah
gone.
I now seem to forever live with my anxiety.
Trapped with anxiety. ๐ฌ
Does it
mean I'm about to seek professional help to maybe ease my mind?
I don't know.
I found no where out right now.
Wallahualam.
21 May 2021
8 Syawal 1442H
8.14 pm
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