I'm not happy..for now. :

I'm not sure if this feeling is valid or not.

But my heart is not happy right now.

People said ...bersyukurlah.

I definitely know that.

But I can't say that to this heart of mine.

I can't fake it with my heart.

I know this feeling.

And I'm currently not happy.

Enough said.

All I can do is to lie down and sleep.

Just repeating my daily routine.

I don't think I can talk to anyone.

Most people can't give comfort.

So, I guess I will just going to sleep.

Shut my mind down.

Enough said.

Bye.

Entering 30s age crisis.😏

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Harini mood biasa-biasa ja.

Actually nak buat this post last two days.

Thoughts came on that time.

Tapi harini baru nak tulis.

I've been deactivating my facebook account for awhile.

I told myself, if I still can't finish that one book I'm reading now,

I will not activate my fb account.

Rasa punca tak habis baca buku tu sebab distracted dengan fb.

But still tak jugak habis baca. Haha.

Cari distraction lain pulak, layan youtube and netflix.

I conclude that, it's my problem from within.

Or the mobile phone itself.? Hmm.

I wonder how people with those few social media account can handle

the toxic it can cause to ourselves. Our mental health actually.

Actually nak cerita.

Haritu terbukak fb and ada post from my friend came.

About her celebrating her 30's with her small family,

her husband and her daughter.

Happy picture, happy moment.

What a happy life she had I thought at the moment.

I can't help but compare her life with mine.

Tapi...

Mungkin Allah nak ketuk sikit hati ini sekali.

The next post came a post from my friend,

same age like me, with 3 kids sharing about how she missed her husband

that just passed way early Ramadan last month.

Bittersweet.

Nope.

It's not that I want to compare both story,

I just want to reflect upon for my own self.

Our journey are different.

So do our timeline.

Is this a signal that I'm about to entering 30's age crisis? 😂

I deactivating back my fb account after that.

(Praying for detachment from all social media)

Because for that brief period of time,

and for that brief feeling that I felt (upon seeing the first post)

I felt so toxic for myself to feel that way.

Scary huh?

Please protect me from myself ya Allah.

Ease my heart, ease my mind.

Reclaim Your Heart.
Beautiful book.
And this is the book that I have to finish
Fighting gen!💪

28th May 2021

15 Syawal 1442H

9.04 pm

Peserai, Batu Pahat, Johor.

Trapped. My actual feeling and what I supposed to feel.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

At first nak letak title "Don't want to die, don't want to live neither?" 

Tapi rasa macam over sangat.😅

I have a lot of thoughts that I carried in my mind. 

I felt totally burden by it. 

I'm pouring it out here, hoping it can be lessen. 

Trapped? 😕

Maybe due to covid that I can't go nowhere. 

To find my escapism. 

Or because I'm back to my hometown, no friends to share my feeling. 

(Alhamdulillah ada Yai and AA kat BP, walau jarang jumpa) 

Well, to be honest since I back to BP I have lead a monotonous life here. 

No sparks, no postive vibes or spirits, no joyment. 

Stagnant some might say. 

I somehow totally lost the track of my journey to have a life with no regrets. 

My mind is so messed up. 😣

I don't have anything to look forward to. 

I lost my highly-spirited person I once was. 

Alright, that's the bad of me. Bad thoughts. 

My real current feelings. 

I'm struggling with my own feelings. 😔🐣

Because on the other side. 

I know,  I always know there are plenty of things that I shoud be grateful for.

Be that our world it this covid situation. 

So many people lost their job and income, far from family. 

See what I got, I'm living with my mom, I got job, monthly salary, home, car and a lot more. 

I'm grateful for what I have but sadly it can't make me happy. 

Does it mean I'm not grateful enough or maybe that what people around my age felt? 

Sometimes I blame myself, maybe I'm not a good servant to Allah, that's why my life it like this. (praying late, not reciting Quran everyday) 

I don't know, 

I trapped with my own feelings. 

When I look back at my previous blog post, my 20's me

I think I didn't make any progress.

Still a lost girl from the past. 

Trapped and never freed yet. 

After Abah and Wadiah gone. 

I now seem to forever live with my anxiety. 

Trapped with anxiety. 💬

Does it mean I'm about to seek professional help to maybe ease my mind? 

I don't know. 

I found no where out right now. 

Wallahualam. 

21 May 2021 

8 Syawal 1442H 

8.14 pm 

Peserai, Batu Pahat Johor.

Dear 2021. I'm back to write.

Bismillah.

Well, I'm back again.

Because I have no one to pour out my feelings.

Actually there were numerous times that I planned to write here.

But I end up ignore my own feeling and find any distractions.

A lot of things had happened.

I'm back to my hometown here at Batu Pahat.

Ended my wonderful journey in Tawau Sabah.

Well, thats it.

I hope I can talk more about in my future post.

But today I wanted to talk about my mom and her feelings.

It had been love-and-hate relationship with emak since I got home.

Don't want to defend myself because definitely I made mistakes to.

Most of the time.  

I dont know what I can do to make her happy.

She's seems to be on her own bubbles.

And today she posted something on whatsapp group

:(

I was in the room when she shared this.

After I read it, I came to her. 

To talk about it.

I feel responsible to at least hear what she wanted to say.

Because right now, I am the only child here with her.

We only each other.

But when I saw her eyes started getting teary.

I slowly walked away, didn't offered any words of comfort to her.

I don't know.

I can't do it. I felt awkward.

No good with words. Be it an action.

So, mak I just hope that you know that I care about your feeling.

I hope you know it.

With my simplest gesture of coming to you and asked about it.

Sorry.

23 March 2021

10 Syaaban 1442H

9.29 pm

Peserai, Batu Pahat Johor.