Tiada yang indah. My messy mind!

Assalammualaikum.

It had been years that I didn't sit properly, and writing up about my thoughts using a laptop. 

Writing up to myself. 

Smartphone had consume my life, my feeling. And here suddenly I am 28 years old lady.

Allahuakbar.

Terlalu pantas masa berlalu, terlalu pantas,

Tahun lepas Abah pergi, mula-mula abah pergi, we wonder, baru semalam abah pergi, nanti tiba-tiba dah setahun, dan sepuluh tahun. I swear to you, we did said that just yesterday, dan tiba-tiba dah setahun setengah, tapi rasa kehilangan tu masih baru, Sangat baru. Dan untuk setahun setengah yang berlalu tu, aku tak rasa life ni real. I was trapped in a bubble of a dream.

Dan dalam dunia penuh dengan tiba2 tu, 3 bulan lepas Wadiah pergi. Accident.

Allahuakhbar. Revolving life.

Tapi last year ada kaklong, this year sendiri balik johor. Thanks a lot Aisyah for helping me that time.

On that brief moment, aku rasa sangat penat. Waktu tunggu di airport, dengan flight delay, itu adalah masa yang sangat lama bagi aku. My heart, my mind scattered all over.

Minggu yang lepas balik dari pengebumian Wadiah. I was devastated. I cried almost every night to sleep. Too may traumas. What if this happened again? What if Wadiah didn't want us to let her go? Is it okay to live like usually, being happy?

But damn again, just like what happen last year, far from my own family, I have to work like usual. Forwarding my life. But my heart and my mind was at mess. There's a one moment I requested for psychiatric medical advice, too bad there's too many procedure to do. Kena daftar ed la, pergi klinik staff la ( diagnosis : grief phase), then baru boleh pergi psychiatric, but the too bad again, klinik sokongan untuk staff tu tak ada orang. I came 2 times. Then, I gave up.

I healed my self.

Now, I don't know.

Too many things in my head. 

I resist too much. 

And somehow I feel numb.

Taman Serene, Tawau
12.7.2019 @ 11.20pm