Are you lucky?

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ



Alhamdulillah untuk kesempatan hari ini,
Well, just like my previous post I've been thinking a lot.
Like a lot.
Here's I'm writing my thoughts.
Because I didn't write for people to read.
I write so that I can lift a little bit of my head burden here,

Lucky?
How you consider yourself as LUCKY?
Getting a job?
Having your own car or house?
Getting married?
Having kids?

When Wadiah passed away last March.
There's some thoughts that cross my head, and I bet to everyone as well.
Muda lagi dia. Banyak lagi benda dia belum buat lagi.

But isn't she's lucky as well?
Allah had taken her at that young age?
So that's she didn't do any wrongdoings more?
While she's still having a mom that making du'a to her very and each day.
She went to Allah in a good way.
She's the first that come to Abah.
I pray that me and the rest my family will have a husnul khotimah.

Despite so many 'tak sempat' words.
Allah has put our life journey at perfect as it is.
Don't compare yourself with others.
If it does lead you closer to Allah.
Then don't!

To die in Islam and Imaan.
That's what makes us the luckiest.

Wallahua'lam.

Taman Serene, Tawau.

27th July 2019 7.56pm

Tiada yang indah. My messy mind!

Assalammualaikum.

It had been years that I didn't sit properly, and writing up about my thoughts using a laptop. 

Writing up to myself. 

Smartphone had consume my life, my feeling. And here suddenly I am 28 years old lady.

Allahuakbar.

Terlalu pantas masa berlalu, terlalu pantas,

Tahun lepas Abah pergi, mula-mula abah pergi, we wonder, baru semalam abah pergi, nanti tiba-tiba dah setahun, dan sepuluh tahun. I swear to you, we did said that just yesterday, dan tiba-tiba dah setahun setengah, tapi rasa kehilangan tu masih baru, Sangat baru. Dan untuk setahun setengah yang berlalu tu, aku tak rasa life ni real. I was trapped in a bubble of a dream.

Dan dalam dunia penuh dengan tiba2 tu, 3 bulan lepas Wadiah pergi. Accident.

Allahuakhbar. Revolving life.

Tapi last year ada kaklong, this year sendiri balik johor. Thanks a lot Aisyah for helping me that time.

On that brief moment, aku rasa sangat penat. Waktu tunggu di airport, dengan flight delay, itu adalah masa yang sangat lama bagi aku. My heart, my mind scattered all over.

Minggu yang lepas balik dari pengebumian Wadiah. I was devastated. I cried almost every night to sleep. Too may traumas. What if this happened again? What if Wadiah didn't want us to let her go? Is it okay to live like usually, being happy?

But damn again, just like what happen last year, far from my own family, I have to work like usual. Forwarding my life. But my heart and my mind was at mess. There's a one moment I requested for psychiatric medical advice, too bad there's too many procedure to do. Kena daftar ed la, pergi klinik staff la ( diagnosis : grief phase), then baru boleh pergi psychiatric, but the too bad again, klinik sokongan untuk staff tu tak ada orang. I came 2 times. Then, I gave up.

I healed my self.

Now, I don't know.

Too many things in my head. 

I resist too much. 

And somehow I feel numb.

Taman Serene, Tawau
12.7.2019 @ 11.20pm