I'm not happy..for now. :

I'm not sure if this feeling is valid or not.

But my heart is not happy right now.

People said ...bersyukurlah.

I definitely know that.

But I can't say that to this heart of mine.

I can't fake it with my heart.

I know this feeling.

And I'm currently not happy.

Enough said.

All I can do is to lie down and sleep.

Just repeating my daily routine.

I don't think I can talk to anyone.

Most people can't give comfort.

So, I guess I will just going to sleep.

Shut my mind down.

Enough said.

Bye.

Entering 30s age crisis.😏

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Harini mood biasa-biasa ja.

Actually nak buat this post last two days.

Thoughts came on that time.

Tapi harini baru nak tulis.

I've been deactivating my facebook account for awhile.

I told myself, if I still can't finish that one book I'm reading now,

I will not activate my fb account.

Rasa punca tak habis baca buku tu sebab distracted dengan fb.

But still tak jugak habis baca. Haha.

Cari distraction lain pulak, layan youtube and netflix.

I conclude that, it's my problem from within.

Or the mobile phone itself.? Hmm.

I wonder how people with those few social media account can handle

the toxic it can cause to ourselves. Our mental health actually.

Actually nak cerita.

Haritu terbukak fb and ada post from my friend came.

About her celebrating her 30's with her small family,

her husband and her daughter.

Happy picture, happy moment.

What a happy life she had I thought at the moment.

I can't help but compare her life with mine.

Tapi...

Mungkin Allah nak ketuk sikit hati ini sekali.

The next post came a post from my friend,

same age like me, with 3 kids sharing about how she missed her husband

that just passed way early Ramadan last month.

Bittersweet.

Nope.

It's not that I want to compare both story,

I just want to reflect upon for my own self.

Our journey are different.

So do our timeline.

Is this a signal that I'm about to entering 30's age crisis? 😂

I deactivating back my fb account after that.

(Praying for detachment from all social media)

Because for that brief period of time,

and for that brief feeling that I felt (upon seeing the first post)

I felt so toxic for myself to feel that way.

Scary huh?

Please protect me from myself ya Allah.

Ease my heart, ease my mind.

Reclaim Your Heart.
Beautiful book.
And this is the book that I have to finish
Fighting gen!💪

28th May 2021

15 Syawal 1442H

9.04 pm

Peserai, Batu Pahat, Johor.

Trapped. My actual feeling and what I supposed to feel.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

At first nak letak title "Don't want to die, don't want to live neither?" 

Tapi rasa macam over sangat.😅

I have a lot of thoughts that I carried in my mind. 

I felt totally burden by it. 

I'm pouring it out here, hoping it can be lessen. 

Trapped? 😕

Maybe due to covid that I can't go nowhere. 

To find my escapism. 

Or because I'm back to my hometown, no friends to share my feeling. 

(Alhamdulillah ada Yai and AA kat BP, walau jarang jumpa) 

Well, to be honest since I back to BP I have lead a monotonous life here. 

No sparks, no postive vibes or spirits, no joyment. 

Stagnant some might say. 

I somehow totally lost the track of my journey to have a life with no regrets. 

My mind is so messed up. 😣

I don't have anything to look forward to. 

I lost my highly-spirited person I once was. 

Alright, that's the bad of me. Bad thoughts. 

My real current feelings. 

I'm struggling with my own feelings. 😔🐣

Because on the other side. 

I know,  I always know there are plenty of things that I shoud be grateful for.

Be that our world it this covid situation. 

So many people lost their job and income, far from family. 

See what I got, I'm living with my mom, I got job, monthly salary, home, car and a lot more. 

I'm grateful for what I have but sadly it can't make me happy. 

Does it mean I'm not grateful enough or maybe that what people around my age felt? 

Sometimes I blame myself, maybe I'm not a good servant to Allah, that's why my life it like this. (praying late, not reciting Quran everyday) 

I don't know, 

I trapped with my own feelings. 

When I look back at my previous blog post, my 20's me

I think I didn't make any progress.

Still a lost girl from the past. 

Trapped and never freed yet. 

After Abah and Wadiah gone. 

I now seem to forever live with my anxiety. 

Trapped with anxiety. 💬

Does it mean I'm about to seek professional help to maybe ease my mind? 

I don't know. 

I found no where out right now. 

Wallahualam. 

21 May 2021 

8 Syawal 1442H 

8.14 pm 

Peserai, Batu Pahat Johor.

Dear 2021. I'm back to write.

Bismillah.

Well, I'm back again.

Because I have no one to pour out my feelings.

Actually there were numerous times that I planned to write here.

But I end up ignore my own feeling and find any distractions.

A lot of things had happened.

I'm back to my hometown here at Batu Pahat.

Ended my wonderful journey in Tawau Sabah.

Well, thats it.

I hope I can talk more about in my future post.

But today I wanted to talk about my mom and her feelings.

It had been love-and-hate relationship with emak since I got home.

Don't want to defend myself because definitely I made mistakes to.

Most of the time.  

I dont know what I can do to make her happy.

She's seems to be on her own bubbles.

And today she posted something on whatsapp group

:(

I was in the room when she shared this.

After I read it, I came to her. 

To talk about it.

I feel responsible to at least hear what she wanted to say.

Because right now, I am the only child here with her.

We only each other.

But when I saw her eyes started getting teary.

I slowly walked away, didn't offered any words of comfort to her.

I don't know.

I can't do it. I felt awkward.

No good with words. Be it an action.

So, mak I just hope that you know that I care about your feeling.

I hope you know it.

With my simplest gesture of coming to you and asked about it.

Sorry.

23 March 2021

10 Syaaban 1442H

9.29 pm

Peserai, Batu Pahat Johor.

...and all I want to say.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

I was okay before, but I know I'm going to cry as I write along this post...
Yesterday I had a dream. About Wadiah.
After accident she was on a stretcher, Unconscious.
Came one specialist there, and while their try to help her...
She's awake.....but in pain. But still she's awake.
I told her to keep on being strong, while awaiting mak and other family members.

Then I woke up in the middle of the night around 2 am and sobbing...alone.
One think that came across my mind.
Jahatnya mimpi ni..
But because of it, I managed to do solat tahajjud, solat taubat dan solat hajat.
At least in this Ramadhan I managed to do it because of the dream.

Help me ya Allah to go through to this journey.
Help me to be strong as you always did before.
Please let me be home Batu Pahat with Emak and my siblings for good this year.
And please take my life and my family only with husnul khatimah.
Amin allahuma amin.

16 May 2020
23 Ramadhan 1441H
11.20PM
Tamam Serene Tawau.

no title

Time.

Sometimes, it's too long to wait. 

And sometimes it's too fast to pause.

In between I'm torned apart

Moving on.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah.

Ramadhan Kareem!

May the 4th be with you. Haha.

So ni adalah post pertama untuk tahun 2020. 

Alhamdulillah masih lagi Allah bagi kesempatan untuk hidup dan bernafas.

Jadi tahun 2020 ni adalah tahun terakhir aku in 20's. 

I'm 29 years old already.

Banyak benda berlaku untuk tahun ni walaupun baru je masuk bulan Mei.

Januari - I turned 29, Abah passed away 2 years ago

Februari - Ke Surabaya with Yaya.

Mac - Wadiah passed away a year ago, Birthday Emak, Covid-19 serang Malaysia, me and a few colleagues kena deployed ke Covid-19 Fever Centre

April - Puasa, habis shift fever centre

Mei - MC days till nasal swab result out. *ma first MC ever haha.

Itu adalah sum up cerita tahun ini up till date.

There you go my life.

Well, actually today I wanted to share about moving on.

Hoping if anybody whose in my situation and happen to read this, not feel alone in this journey of moving on.

I found a quote from a movie or drama. (I really can not recall it, arghhh)

" Moving on is not a betrayal to the memories."

Simple sentence but it gave me a deep impression.

Masa mula2 hilang our close family member, Abah then Wadiah.

I was very afraid to move on, to be happy without them anymore (can refer to previous post about grieving). Macam rasa selfish.

We are looking forward to see them in another life. It's just that we dont know when is our time.

Mungkinkan 2 minggu lagi? 1 tahun? 5 tahun? 20 tahun? 50 tahun lagi? We don't know.

Untuk keluarga kita yang masih tinggal ni, siapa lah yang akan jadi orang terakhir untuk saksikan permergian ahli keluarga.

So many questions with no answers.

But then you have to move on. Allah dah tetapkan perjalanan kisah mereka sampai situ, kita pun kena teruskan juga hidup (it is very hard at first, trust me, we might even fall into depression). Sebab akhirnya sama. Kita pun akan pergi ke tempat yang mereka pergi, cumanya mereka pergi lebih awal dari kita. 

Pick yourself up.Find any distractions. Dont expect people to understand. (I get very sensitive about this, especially when we wanted to talk, people just said "Nak buat macam manakan, dah Allah tentukan") They are not wrong pun. But I think better I keep my feeling to myself. Move on. 

May Allah give us His Blessing to us and our family. May Allah allows us to meet with our love ones in His Paradise. InshaAllah.

Cheers!

Taman Serene, Tawau Sabah

4th May 2020 ( 11 Ramadhan 1441H)

9.28 pm

Are you lucky?

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ



Alhamdulillah untuk kesempatan hari ini,
Well, just like my previous post I've been thinking a lot.
Like a lot.
Here's I'm writing my thoughts.
Because I didn't write for people to read.
I write so that I can lift a little bit of my head burden here,

Lucky?
How you consider yourself as LUCKY?
Getting a job?
Having your own car or house?
Getting married?
Having kids?

When Wadiah passed away last March.
There's some thoughts that cross my head, and I bet to everyone as well.
Muda lagi dia. Banyak lagi benda dia belum buat lagi.

But isn't she's lucky as well?
Allah had taken her at that young age?
So that's she didn't do any wrongdoings more?
While she's still having a mom that making du'a to her very and each day.
She went to Allah in a good way.
She's the first that come to Abah.
I pray that me and the rest my family will have a husnul khotimah.

Despite so many 'tak sempat' words.
Allah has put our life journey at perfect as it is.
Don't compare yourself with others.
If it does lead you closer to Allah.
Then don't!

To die in Islam and Imaan.
That's what makes us the luckiest.

Wallahua'lam.

Taman Serene, Tawau.

27th July 2019 7.56pm

Tiada yang indah. My messy mind!

Assalammualaikum.

It had been years that I didn't sit properly, and writing up about my thoughts using a laptop. 

Writing up to myself. 

Smartphone had consume my life, my feeling. And here suddenly I am 28 years old lady.

Allahuakbar.

Terlalu pantas masa berlalu, terlalu pantas,

Tahun lepas Abah pergi, mula-mula abah pergi, we wonder, baru semalam abah pergi, nanti tiba-tiba dah setahun, dan sepuluh tahun. I swear to you, we did said that just yesterday, dan tiba-tiba dah setahun setengah, tapi rasa kehilangan tu masih baru, Sangat baru. Dan untuk setahun setengah yang berlalu tu, aku tak rasa life ni real. I was trapped in a bubble of a dream.

Dan dalam dunia penuh dengan tiba2 tu, 3 bulan lepas Wadiah pergi. Accident.

Allahuakhbar. Revolving life.

Tapi last year ada kaklong, this year sendiri balik johor. Thanks a lot Aisyah for helping me that time.

On that brief moment, aku rasa sangat penat. Waktu tunggu di airport, dengan flight delay, itu adalah masa yang sangat lama bagi aku. My heart, my mind scattered all over.

Minggu yang lepas balik dari pengebumian Wadiah. I was devastated. I cried almost every night to sleep. Too may traumas. What if this happened again? What if Wadiah didn't want us to let her go? Is it okay to live like usually, being happy?

But damn again, just like what happen last year, far from my own family, I have to work like usual. Forwarding my life. But my heart and my mind was at mess. There's a one moment I requested for psychiatric medical advice, too bad there's too many procedure to do. Kena daftar ed la, pergi klinik staff la ( diagnosis : grief phase), then baru boleh pergi psychiatric, but the too bad again, klinik sokongan untuk staff tu tak ada orang. I came 2 times. Then, I gave up.

I healed my self.

Now, I don't know.

Too many things in my head. 

I resist too much. 

And somehow I feel numb.

Taman Serene, Tawau
12.7.2019 @ 11.20pm

2017

Hello old friend. :)